By Christine Cronin
If I could go back, right back to the very beginning, I would sit with me a little longer.
I would tell myself that my life is about to change. Not instantly, it’ll feel “normal” for a little while, but then a continuous, unravelling of change will take over my entire world.
I would tell myself not to fear the change and to lean into it. Let it come, go with it and learn from it. Don’t resist it, or resent it or try to ignore it. It’s here and it’s forever.
I would tell myself that who I was, the person who got me through my younger years, will not be who takes me through the rest. She will change. She will grow.
She will view the world differently and while past versions of herself are not who she would choose to be around now, she will still feel a sense of love and gratitude for those versions of her for getting her to where she is now.
I would tell myself that, it’s not my fault. The genes, the behaviours, the change and the hard. It’s not my fault. I didn’t ‘ruin’ anything. I didn’t ‘do’ any of it. I’m not to blame, not even when the corners of the days fold and the hards really hit and all I can feel is sadness, it’s still not my fault.
I would tell myself that, help isn’t just around the corner. It’s not. It is there, sure. But you may never know where ‘there’ is and while the people up the top, looking down on you in the pit will say ‘you just have to ask for it’, you’ll be asking the wrong people. The right people to ask are the ones in the pit with you.
I would tell myself that, the people you lose, are not your people. They are here purely to teach you. Take the lesson and keep moving.
I would tell myself that you can survive on broken sleep, on 4 hours or less of sleep, on not-in-your-own-bed sleep and also on one-eye-open sleep and you will still be ok.
I would tell myself that, whatever I thought it was going to be like, it won’t be like that at all. Not any of it. Some of it will be nothing like anything you ever imagined. In bad ways.
And some of it will be nothing like anything you ever imagined in all of the most beautiful, heart-moving ways and when you lay your head to rest at night, there won’t be a minute of it you don’t love with your entire heart.
I would tell myself that, I won’t feel strong but I will get through it anyway.
I won’t feel brave, but I will speak up anyway.
I won’t feel like doing it some days, but I will get up and do it every day, anyway.
And I won’t feel like I’m doing it right, or well, but it’s ok, because I’m doing it anyway.
And that’s all that matters.
Reposted with permission by Christine Cronin at https://www.facebook.com/specialsoulmama
