Becoming more resilient as I age, let’s just say I’m a work in progress! Sometimes I still feel like that young mum (30 was young, ok!) where some days I could take on the world. Others, well…not so much!
Being a mum changed me, but then when my twins were born, I had to change again. I became a special needs mama and suddenly I was faced with a completely different set of priorities. It wasn’t about comparing ‘then and now’ or even ‘special parenting’ and ‘typical parenting’, life was just completely different. This was my new normal.
All I knew at the time was that that I just had to get on and do the job – with a 4 year old and new baby twins! I did all those things that you do in the early years of diagnosis; researching late into the night, seeking out information that would give me some sort of clarity on what our path would be, what we should be doing, what we should be expecting.
It seemed like everyone else was travelling along the ‘status quo’ path while our family found ourselves on a different path, and I still feel that if I had known just one other person back then in a similar family dynamic I may not have fallen (many a time) into the black hole of depression.
I didn’t exactly feel depressed and I didn’t look depressed (what is depressed supposed to look like, anyway?) but yes, the chronic PTSD that comes with having medically fragile kids did take its toll.
Everyone will have different experiences and find ways that support them as time goes on in order to build their resilience, ways that we steel ourselves against the anxiety that comes with this special needs parenting gig. However, years on, I still find there are some days where I am back in that black hole. The darker emotions can sometimes be brought on because I have not been with the right people and all my energy has been used up, leaving me depleted. I guess, just like our kids, if we are made to feel that we aren’t being accepted the way we are, we use up our valuable energy – energy we need to be resilient and fight the good fight – trying to mask or hide away.
My kids have shown me that facing adversity builds resilience over time. It toughens you up, no doubt about that! However, like everything it can come at a cost if we don’t face what we need to change (and it’s not about changing ourselves!).
The emotional toll of surgeries, health reviews, therapy appointments, daily contact with teachers regarding learning plans and managing medications for an entire family! These are just a snippet of the things that tug at my heart and head.
A recent review with my son’s rehab team put me in a real funk. All the big emotions that I feel after these appointments…well, I guess I just didn’t process them as well as I had previously, perhaps that’s due to the global pandemic we are currently in. Following the review, my old friend anxiety reared its head and I found myself in a spin. Wondering about all the what ifs, focusing on current statistics, which are, lets face it gloomy at the best of times – it was all nagging at me.
I knew I needed to look at things I could control, at where the emotional drains were pulling on me and where my energy was being needlessly depleted. Which brings me back to the need to be surrounded by the right people.
It’s a huge lightbulb moment when we recognise that the people surrounding us, the situations we find ourselves in, our jobs, friends and in some cases, sadly even family, might not have our best interests at heart.
Lived experience has a lot to count for. Mentors – people who have walked before you, empaths – people who have the ability to listen and lend a much needed supportive ear, they are the ones who get to be in our close circle. To build my resilience, I have decreased the number value in my circle but have increased the heart value. In other words, people who fill my heart up.
Sooner or later (ok, it was later – thanks to my psychiatrist!) I did come to the realisation that this is a marathon, not a sprint. We ALL need time, love, therapy and space to grow and evolve. Resilience doesn’t come at the flick of a switch.
Our precious energy is a gift that we need to start using wisely, if we haven’t started already. Watch how differently you feel when you spend your energy on what fills your heart up, in those times that your heart needs to be replenished.
And if you haven’t started, but feel like it’s time to start filling your heart up, know that it will take time but that you have support from those of us running the marathon with you.
By Kelly Wilton
