Finding My Way Home: Back to Myself

By Bec Glover

It’s been some time since I was able to sit down and put my thoughts to a screen and tap away.

For me, sharing my insight and personal experience comes at a time when I can breathe. A time when I can sit. A time when I can make a cuppa, sit in silence, and just let the words pour out. This ‘time’, I have not had for a while now, so am eternally grateful for the time I have right now, in this moment. 

What the heck has happened over the past few years which has taken me away from myself, my peace, my fun, my laughter, my spontaneity, my smile and my soul?

These used to come so easy to me, and no matter the daily challenges I faced, I still went about these with grace and ease. 

Recently, it dawned on me. I’ve stripped myself of all of me. I have taken every part of my self and given to others. Others have become before me. Without me, who am I, what little left do I have to offer others, and how long is this sustainable?

You see, up until a few months ago, I was undertaking a fine balancing act of just hanging in there. Life was fairly stable, Ruby remaining well, my eldest cruising through school and my youngest in a solid and happy routine.

Each day, get up, immediately checking my phone for work emails, thinking I was getting ahead of the day,  get dressed, get littlest ready, welcome Ruby’s support team in the house, get all to where they need to go that day, answer phone calls, order Ruby’s consumables, arrange appointments, change urine soaked bedding, stare at the 3 piles of washing sitting in the laundry, remember there is one more tablet left of medication which I need to now order and collect, then there is running a business! Check in on my team, be where I need to be, help who I need to help, make decisions that I need to, and the list goes on.

Then Ruby became unwell. This is the great undoing of me!

When Ruby gets unwell, I go to another place, a dark void where I pretend no one else can see what I’m going through. A place where in the back of my mind I subconsciously hold the fear that she will take her last breath, forever. That’s a thought which I don’t share with anyone, until the one closest to me called me on it. He pointed out the spiral I go in to, where silence is my game until I overflow in tears.  

When Ruby becomes unwell, nothing else matters in the world.

Yet I still must function and pretend it does, as others do matter, my company is crucial to the lives of many others and my other girls still have their needs to be met. However, when do you recognise that ‘others’ have taken over your own needs and self?

Perhaps when it’s close to too late!

However, it’s never too late, there’s always an opportunity to turn it around and return kindness to yourself and return to yourself. It takes a moment of vulnerability. A moment to just recognise where you’re at, your struggles, your sadness and heavy load. With this opportunity you allow others in. You allow others to take up some slack and help where they can, within the scope of their own expertise and for them to be provided an opportunity for their own personal growth and sense of worth.

This is not only with regards to being in a workspace, but also family and friends. The challenge presents itself when others see you as the expert and key person in all you do for your own vulnerable child, so, who are they to step in and say otherwise or suggest you need help? They are waiting for permission.  

So, allow, welcome, and permit your supporters to help you. Allow and permit others to give you the time and space to be and find yourself once again. This doesn’t mean that you are any less in the lives of others, or letting anyone down, it means you fill yourself up to become whole again, so you can help others and become a better version of yourself.  

It’s time to recognise where I’ve let myself dissolve and slowly, but surely, find my way back home: back to myself.

Hello me!

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