By Christine Cronin
I can’t shake the fear some days.
The anxiety sits heavy in my chest.
It swirls in my stomach and sweats through my hands.
It clutches my throat, fills me with dread and muddles my head.
I don’t know what it is I’m fearful of. The day maybe. The length of it perhaps. Or the size of it.
How much it will weigh or maybe how dark it will be.
Maybe that’s not it at all.
Maybe it’s the tomorrows I fear. How many are left or, how long it’ll be this way.
Maybe it’s the loneliness of all of this I’m really feeling. The corner of the world we sit in, on our own, with empty seats beside us.
They can see us and hear us and they know where we are but, it’s so hard for them to join us. It is hard. I know that.
Maybe that’s what’s got its hold on me today.
The hard. It was hard yesterday.
After weeks of good, the hard is creeping back in.
That’s hard to accept. It’s crushing and frustrating and painful and, confusing.
The questions fill me up. How? Why? What?
Maybe that’s all this is.
Just the questions unanswered, holding space in my heart. Maybe it’s the behaviours. I know why they happen. I know why they’re here. I know why he diverts to using them. But solving the parts that are driving them is hard to do by myself. Maybe that’s what it is.
Holding me down today. The fight. The fight for him. To be heard. To be understood. To be helped. The fight to keep moving forward in this direction when there’s so much weight keeping us still. Maybe it’s not fear.
Maybe it’s just tired.
Maybe today, I put it all down. I don’t carry all the weight, I don’t think all the things, I don’t feed all the worries.
Maybe today I just let things be. I can pick back up tomorrow where I left off today, if that’s what I really need to do. But maybe, just for today, I just breathe.
I play, I love, I care and I flow. I remind myself there’s nothing I haven’t been able to work on or figure out or solve before. And there’s nothing in my list I can’t handle.
They all are just maybes, after all. And I don’t have to solve everything or even anything, today.
Today I just breathe. Keep going dear Special Soul Parent.
We are problem solvers, but not today.
Today we can rest, perhaps not physically but maybe mentally and emotionally, we can put it all down, just for today, and rest. That’s still going. I love you.
